[Thea]

I am interested in what you are saying about Catholic priests feeling that they are never able to take off the scarf, and I am wondering if we—or they—are conflating several different aspects of the role. I would be interested to hear what various priests would say about the differentiation of these strands, for instance:

1) The qualities that led to, or are inherent in, the priestly ordination which are now inherent in the priest

2) The responsibilities of priesthood vis a vis the vulnerabilities and expectations of their parishioners

3) The active functions of the role of priest (baptisms, funerals, mass, other sacraments and spiritual direction)

4) The functions and responsibilities of priesthood when among non-parishioners, especially non-Catholics

It does make a whole lot of sense that #1 cannot be put down. I believe that this is what Heather is alluding to—am I hearing that correctly?

As to #2, the responsibilities of priesthood vis a vis the vulnerabilities and expectations of their parishioners is clearly never to be put down—until the parishioners can pick them up—which may be never. Clearly this requires ongoing discernment and education.

As for #3, the actual functions of the role pf priest certainly can be put down (as Heather also speaks about). A priest does not need to be performing priestly functions at all times. Like a doctor at a Little League game, when approached for consultation, she can say, “Is this an urgent matter needing immediate attention? If not, I’d love to speak with you about this at my office early next week. Please call for an appointment; I look forward to our conversation. Right now, I’m here to watch my kids play baseball. They will be very sad if I’m not watching them.”

Sometimes I believe that it is hard for priests and other spiritual leaders to put down their role function even when they actually could, by making a short polite explanation. If we are not good at boundaries, it’s easy to feel that we can’t put down our role! I wonder how many of the Catholic priests of whom you speak might have difficulties around boundaries, rather than the inevitabilities of their role.

These priests may be different, however I notice that many people who say “There is no space in community life for me to step out my role of spiritual leadership” have not taken active responsibility for shepherding their community relationships to allow for this possibility. E.g., the priests whom you know who feel that they cannot ever leave their role, have they sat down and had conversations with their parishioners about it? Have they written as article about it for the newsletter? Have they hosted a discussion group on the topic? As spiritual leaders, to what extent have we been pro-active about educating our communities to the point where we can comfortably have off-duty time, at least as far as the expectations of our spiritual role function?

Also, perhaps because when there is some lack in personal power (especially related to social skills), it is not always completely comfortable to put down our spiritual role power. It’s a question I’d love to hear more about from all of us: What have you been doing, actively, to shepherd and educate your community’s perception of your spiritual leadership role and its boundaries? I suspect that this question deserves a lot more consideration before deciding that it’s not possible.

#4 I have a dear friend who is an Episcopalian priest. I don’t know if Catholic priests consider themselves substantially different than Episcopalians, and in what way (please forgive my ignorance). Since I am not even a Christian, let alone her parishioner, I would experience it as downright obnoxious if she did not put down her priestly role with me. She’s not my priest; that’s not my religion. Surely surely, the qualities that led to, or are inherent in, her priestly ordination are among the qualities that are important in our friendship. But it is a friendship, not a spiritual role relationship. I am curious, do the Catholic priests of your acquaintance feel that they need to be in their role of priest even with non-Catholics?

I am deeply appreciating the ability to discuss these matters! I am also feeling my Jewish ancestry reflected in my style of discourse, which has echoes of Talmudic argumentation (called pilpul), a hairsplitting “if this, then that” process that can go on for a long time. It is actually a dialectically expressed enthusiasm for truth-through-process.

With heart—

Thea Elijah

[Thea]

There is no question that I have for many years over-identified with my role as spiritual leader, healer and teacher. RUPI has helped me to recognize it, and to begin the process of remediating this completely unconscious and unintentional misuse of power.

Exactly as RUPI describes, I have discovered that underneath my over-extension of my role power is a lack of cultivated awareness of my own personal power. I had no idea—I hid it from myself exceptionally well! I mention this so that if you also discover that you have been over-extending your role power, you will hold yourself with mercy and simple humble accuracy.

Here’s one thing that I’ve learned to notice and question:

How often, in ordinary conversation, do we give teachings? Do we even know the difference anymore between ordinary conversation and giving teachings? I have experienced this pitfall in myself and in my community, that we are constantly giving each other unsolicited teachings. On some level we intend to be helpful and generous by taking every opportunity to give these little micro-teachings, but on another level it’s an unsolicited power move. We are grabbing the role of the Knower, the Giver, the up power teacher role—and thus maneuvering the person to whom we are speaking into the down power position.

At a certain point this became so intolerable to me that I started a small Sufi discussion group (about 20 of us) with only one rule: NO TEACHING ALLOWED!

This was remarkably difficult for many of us. Some folks absolutely could not stop giving teachings—their way of interacting was completely subsumed in teacher mode. We had to work with each other very kindly but very strictly to point out the difference between collaboratively sharing what was emerging in our hearts and minds, versus telling each other “how it is” albeit always with the most gracious intentions. At least, our conscious intentions were always just to give, and give, and give. But unconsciously, we were making a place for ourselves in the up power role—and for the other person down power from us.

What do you notice, in conversations? If you track it for the next week or two, what do you sense about how many times you take the helper-healer-teacher role with others when it is unsolicited? Double check—even when you think it is being solicited, are you sure? When we are over-identified with our spiritual teacher or healer or leader role, we can easily misread exactly these cues!

Consider experimenting with creating a “no teaching, no healing” zone in your conversational life for a few weeks, so that you can explore your own reflexes around this, and develop some facility for navigating other people’s cues differently. Even if they seem to be cuing you into an up power role, is it really appropriate? Double check, and consider peer alternatives.

I have a few other self-assessment tools for exploring whether we are over-identified with our spiritual leadership role, but I’ll set this loose for now, and see where it goes.

[Thea]

Does that include Universal Power? Does it have both shadow and shine, would you say?

[Thea]

Thanks for the thought-provoking reply.

This is a person with whom it is not possible to be direct. At least, I could be direct, but it just makes her uncomfortable, and leads to her talking at length with vague phrases, lots of flowers and rainbows. Not my forte.

She is the programming director of an organization that I hope to present with, frequently. So in that sense, she is up power. She calls the shots; she makes the decisions that are going to impact my life significantly. If I want to present through this organization, I need to make her happy.

On the other hand, she treats me like a celebrity. I think I am in vogue these days among people she knows. So my status power is meeting her role power. It feels super-weird. It’s good to be able to name it and have somewhere to talk about it

This sentence that you wrote strikes me:

“We can’t force anyone’s agency on them.”

Well, I surely can’t argue with you there… though I just have this itchy sense that there is more that I could do. Some form of interpersonal aikido. I don’t know yet.

[Thea]

I’m new around here… and I’d be very interested to see that document, too. May I?